A Desperate Plea…

I need you to stop what you’re doing right now, and listen, or um…read what I’m about to share with you.

Penises are shrinking. Yes, you heard me right — shrinking! Humanity’s twig and berries are withering away like a malnourished banana tree. Our wienerschnitzels are getting smaller and smaller, and we can no longer shout “I was in the pool!” as an excuse.

Now I would imagine to about half of you, this might not be the worst news you’ve heard today, this week or even this month. But guess what? This affects the other half of our species as well since scientific research suggests female sexual desire is also diminishing! Yes, ladies…your fire is being extinguished by some nefarious force.

So, what’s causing this global tragedy to occur? Is it our cell phones? Is it social media? This hormone disruption is happening because of the pesky, problematic, peckerwood-shriveling pollution we’ve heard so much about over the years. Yes, the very same pollution so many of us have shrugged our shoulders at and thought to ourselves…I’m sure it can’t be that bad. 

Well, it is that bad. It’s time to stand up for penises….and of course, stop polluting!

Dr. Shanna Swan, a leading reproductive epidemiologist and environmental scientist, has explored this connection in her book, “Count Down: How Our Modern World Is Threatening Sperm Counts, Altering Male and Female Reproductive Development, and Imperiling the Future of the Human Race“. This issue is the cause behind our girth emergency–or what I like to call a ‘girthency.’

Phthalates are used to increase flexibility in plastic and, not to mention a word with so many consonants crowded together, I can feel my libido shrinking at the very sight of it. You can find phthalates in food packaging, cosmetics, baby products, children’s toys and more. What’s even worse, these toxic chemicals have caused sperm counts to reduce by almost 60% since 1973.

It’s time for this crisis to be taken seriously. It’s time to go green to save the peen. However, on the other side of things, it appears as though our wind energy solutions are getting MUCH bigger.