The Legend of Mustachio Bristlecone

As recently reported on The Biofriendly Podcast, the children of the world have been missing out on a candy and gift giving opportunity each Earth Day! For centuries, April 22nd has come and gone without any of us realizing how to partake in a ceremony summoning the ancient spirit of Mustachio Bristlecone—the oldest tree in the […]

A Desperate Plea…

I need you to stop what you’re doing right now, and listen, or um…read what I’m about to share with you. Penises are shrinking. Yes, you heard me right — shrinking! Humanity’s twig and berries are withering away like a malnourished banana tree. Our wienerschnitzels are getting smaller and smaller, and we can no longer […]

‘The Environmentalist’s Night Before Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas, I went all through the house, Turning lights OFF that were left ON, by my kids and my spouse. The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, To reduce carbon footprints and dry them by air. The children took showers as fast as could be, Under five minutes to […]